“Issues or fears of confrontation tend to showcase unhealthy and unprofessional communication. If you are trusting someone to tell you all the good, bad and ugly, but they only give you the good out of their fears and confrontational issues… the bad and the ugly can grow worse and worse quickly.”
― Loren Weisman
Christmas was right around the corner when R’s mother came to visit him at work with his wife and child. We pretended that nothing was amiss and that everything was normal. I greeted his mother and wife as I passed by to grab something I had forgotten earlier. As I left, I said “goodbye.” They had plans to go ice skating at Union Square and it was great fun for them. R was able to teach his son how to ice skate with his newfound experience with me in Lake Tahoe.
Fast forward to after the holidays was my trip to China and Japan that I had planned 7 months ago with my then boyfriend, his best friend, and my best friend. It was an awkward trip to say the least and I’m deeply sorry to our friends that had to witness our drama. My ex-boyfriend had a lot of issues in his family life that wasn’t his fault, but since he couldn’t recover I slowly fell out of love with him. During the trip, he could feel my distance and pure annoyance. You could even see it in the expressions on my face in the photos that were taken during the trip. He finally confronted me about it and asked me if I wanted to break up with him. He knew it was coming and had accepted my decision initially and was very comforting as I shed tears on the streets of Tokyo; however, the next day and onward he would display words of disbelief.
We were together for 9 years, which is a big chunk of our life to have given up on. When we were on our fifth year, his father had a nervous breakdown, filled the neighbors house with bullets, shot his supervisors arm, and most likely intended to commit suicide on his way to Lake Tahoe. We had taken a few trips to Lake Tahoe all together within the five years we were dating. It had always been a favored vacation spot for their family and was a place of sentimental value. He was caught by the police before he could do the deed as we were questioned by the police in his parents home. The case probably lasted about two years until they reached a final decision of 17 years in prison. During the trial, his father apologized to his neighbor and the neighbor accepted the apology with a claim that he was in fact a good man.
I did love my ex-boyfriend and his parents. I believe they had good morals and were kind individuals. His father was raised by an abusive and heroin addicted army man, and his mother was raised by an army man as well who had to go back on duty. Since her mother decided to stay in Japan and never step foot in America, she went from foster home to foster home from ages 12 to 18 and from her personal experience it was a nightmare. I stayed with my ex-boyfriend for another 4 years after this event occurred. I encouraged him to go back to school and study. I even paid for his courses, but all he could do was complain. He didn’t like the job he had, so I helped him apply to different jobs. I tried so hard to help him, but in some situations people really need to help themselves.
When we broke up, I told him I didn’t want to end up like his parents. The unhappiness brought on when one person in the relationship blames the other for everything while the other continuously tries to help. His parents suffered from depression and anxiety and so did he, but he didn’t want to admit it. He would text me once a month and then disappeared for months and then text once a month after our break up. I would get updates that he is doing better with another job and taking medication for his depression and anxiety. Then, there would be bursts of alcoholic outbursts in the late night and an apology the next day. Till this very day, he still hasn’t moved on and it has been nearly four years.
I told R that I had broken up with my then boyfriend and he asked if I was sure about my decision. I was absolutely sure because I no longer wanted to feel unappreciated. I had felt stuck and no possibilities of a future with my ex. He didn’t believe the way of things in our current society. He didn’t see why I wanted to get a degree or a reasoning to achieve anything. Is this what depression is? After leaving him, I was able to earn a degree and a career job as well. I enjoy keeping busy and active like my current boyfriend. R has been a good influence for me and I am thankful. I tend to mirror my love interests habits and passions. It could be a good or a bad trait.
R caught a cold, so I made some fresh ginger, lemon and honey tea for him to drink. He greatly appreciated it and would drink it for the few days I made it for him. We brought the tea with us to the DMV as I had a fear of driving and was going to take a permit test for the second time since I still never had taken the driver’s test at the age of 28 as he was going to renew his license. His wife had texted him and offered to keep him company at the DMV, but her told her not to. We were sitting on the curb chatting and laughing as I spotted her first, running across the parking lot yelling his name over and over again. He stood up as I remained seated. When H reached him, she slapped him hard on the face. He proceeds to say, “don’t slap me.” She slaps him hard once again and he repeats himself. I stand up and she asks me, “why.” All I could say was “sorry” under my breath. When I saw their confrontation, all I could think about was my parents fighting constantly when I was a child. As my mother would throw things at my father and almost push him down the stairs for his gambling habits and infidelity with multiple women. My parents divorced when I was seven years of age and it was the best decision they made.
R said, “I think you should leave.” I turned around and walked the other direction and continued walking the entire way until I reached home. An entire 4.7 miles and he told me I was lucky I was able to walk alone as he was stuck with the drama with his wife. He knows he put himself in the situation and it was in no way any of my fault. She attempted to call me with his phone, but I knew not to say anything. I picked up, but did not say a word. He told me later that she wanted me to come back, so she could talk to me. Everything should have ended here for better or for worse, but love makes us do strange things. Perhaps it was because she was pregnant at the time that prevented me from telling her the truth. H got my number and had texted me a few days later asking me to stay away from him. I told her that I was just trying to be friends with him, but I understand. I did understand what she had said, but it doesn’t mean I will listen to her words. Initially I did just want to be friends with him, but he had decided to take the step forward.