“Issues or fears of confrontation tend to showcase unhealthy and unprofessional communication. If you are trusting someone to tell you all the good, bad and ugly, but they only give you the good out of their fears and confrontational issues… the bad and the ugly can grow worse and worse quickly.” 
― Loren Weisman

Christmas was right around the corner when R’s mother came to visit him at work with his wife and child. We pretended that nothing was amiss and that everything was normal. I greeted his mother and wife as I passed by to grab something I had forgotten earlier. As I left, I said “goodbye.” They had plans to go ice skating at Union Square and it was great fun for them. R was able to teach his son how to ice skate with his newfound experience with me in Lake Tahoe.

Fast forward to after the holidays was my trip to China and Japan that I had planned 7 months ago with my then boyfriend, his best friend, and my best friend. It was an awkward trip to say the least and I’m deeply sorry to our friends that had to witness our drama. My ex-boyfriend had a lot of issues in his family life that wasn’t his fault, but since he couldn’t recover I slowly fell out of love with him. During the trip, he could feel my distance and pure annoyance. You could even see it in the expressions on my face in the photos that were taken during the trip. He finally confronted me about it and asked me if I wanted to break up with him. He knew it was coming and had accepted my decision initially and was very comforting as I shed tears on the streets of Tokyo; however, the next day and onward he would display words of disbelief.

We were together for 9 years, which is a big chunk of our life to have given up on. When we were on our fifth year, his father had a nervous breakdown, filled the neighbors house with bullets, shot his supervisors arm, and most likely intended to commit suicide on his way to Lake Tahoe. We had taken a few trips to Lake Tahoe all together within the five years we were dating. It had always been a favored vacation spot for their family and was a place of sentimental value. He was caught by the police before he could do the deed as we were questioned by the police in his parents home. The case probably lasted about two years until they reached a final decision of 17 years in prison. During the trial, his father apologized to his neighbor and the neighbor accepted the apology with a claim that he was in fact a good man.

I did love my ex-boyfriend and his parents. I believe they had good morals and were kind individuals. His father was raised by an abusive and heroin addicted army man, and his mother was raised by an army man as well who had to go back on duty. Since her mother decided to stay in Japan and never step foot in America, she went from foster home to foster home from ages 12 to 18 and from her personal experience it was a nightmare. I stayed with my ex-boyfriend for another 4 years after this event occurred. I encouraged him to go back to school and study. I even paid for his courses, but all he could do was complain. He didn’t like the job he had, so I helped him apply to different jobs. I tried so hard to help him, but in some situations people really need to help themselves.

When we broke up, I told him I didn’t want to end up like his parents. The unhappiness brought on when one person in the relationship blames the other for everything while the other continuously tries to help. His parents suffered from depression and anxiety and so did he, but he didn’t want to admit it. He would text me once a month and then disappeared for months and then text once a month after our break up. I would get updates that he is doing better with another job and taking medication for his depression and anxiety. Then, there would be bursts of alcoholic outbursts in the late night and an apology the next day. Till this very day, he still hasn’t moved on and it has been nearly four years.

I told R that I had broken up with my then boyfriend and he asked if I was sure about my decision. I was absolutely sure because I no longer wanted to feel unappreciated. I had felt stuck and no possibilities of a future with my ex. He didn’t believe the way of things in our current society. He didn’t see why I wanted to get a degree or a reasoning to achieve anything. Is this what depression is? After leaving him, I was able to earn a degree and a career job as well. I enjoy keeping busy and active like my current boyfriend. R has been a good influence for me and I am thankful. I tend to mirror my love interests habits and passions. It could be a good or a bad trait.

R caught a cold, so I made some fresh ginger, lemon and honey tea for him to drink. He greatly appreciated it and would drink it for the few days I made it for him. We brought the tea with us to the DMV as I had a fear of driving and was going to take a permit test for the second time since I still never had taken the driver’s test at the age of 28 as he was going to renew his license. His wife had texted him and offered to keep him company at the DMV, but her told her not to. We were sitting on the curb chatting and laughing as I spotted her first, running across the parking lot yelling his name over and over again. He stood up as I remained seated. When H reached him, she slapped him hard on the face. He proceeds to say, “don’t slap me.” She slaps him hard once again and he repeats himself. I stand up and she asks me, “why.” All I could say was “sorry” under my breath. When I saw their confrontation, all I could think about was my parents fighting constantly when I was a child. As my mother would throw things at my father and almost push him down the stairs for his gambling habits and infidelity with multiple women. My parents divorced when I was seven years of age and it was the best decision they made.

R said, “I think you should leave.” I turned around and walked the other direction and continued walking the entire way until I reached home. An entire 4.7 miles and he told me I was lucky I was able to walk alone as he was stuck with the drama with his wife. He knows he put himself in the situation and it was in no way any of my fault. She attempted to call me with his phone, but I knew not to say anything. I picked up, but did not say a word. He told me later that she wanted me to come back, so she could talk to me. Everything should have ended here for better or for worse, but love makes us do strange things. Perhaps it was because she was pregnant at the time that prevented me from telling her the truth. H got my number and had texted me a few days later asking me to stay away from him. I told her that I was just trying to be friends with him, but I understand. I did understand what she had said, but it doesn’t mean I will listen to her words. Initially I did just want to be friends with him, but he had decided to take the step forward.


“Here’s to many more firsts and many more great memories.” 

― Christine Feehan

H’s grandfather ran a real estate business in Japan and was the families source of riches. She shared her plans with her husband for having children in order to gain a hefty inheritance, since neither her sister or half-brother had any children. Her grandfather passed away in November 2015 and she was furious her husband could not attend the funeral. The busiest time of year happened to be Black Friday in the location of his profession. It would hurt his career to take time off even if it were due to a family emergency. H and the children took off to Japan for about two weeks, which gave R and I the opportunity to take a trip of our own.

I love sharing new experiences with my significant other, so that we can create those memorable moments. The first real blowjob that concluded with a shot of semen and once with three consecutive bursts were made by just me. His 5 past loves could not accomplish the feat, but I suppose the effort to please their significant other was not great enough. We enjoy pleasing each other and feel a sense of guilt when the other isn’t satisfied.

What firsts have you had that remain memorable to this day? Would they be ones shared with significant others or perhaps a best friend? Are they in the one and the same package? I’m aiming for the package deal.

I suggested on a trip to Lake Tahoe, specifically the Northstar California Resort area. I had been to the beautiful resort once before and wanted to share my experiences there. When we were driving north around the lake late at night, it was snowing and we had skid. I grabbed his arm frantically as he laughed at my reaction. We were safe and it was a bit of a funny experience thinking back on it now. I’ve just always had a fear of driving, since I have been a few car accidents in my childhood. After we safely arrived to the lodge we would be residing in the next couple nights, we lit the fireplace and climbed into bed. It was our first trip together and a night to remember.

The next morning we browsed the shops and purchased some chocolate espresso beans as we both had a love for coffee. Next, we ventured out onto the ice in the best ice skating rink I had ever been because the lights and decorations during the winter made it all so magical. What made this moment even better was that it was R’s first time ever ice skating. We held hands the entire time as I taught him how to skate while being his sturdy guide. Since I grew up rollerskating and rollerblading, ice skating came naturally to me.

Before driving home, we had dinner at my favorite restaurant in South Lake Tahoe. It is a German restaurant called Himmel Haus. This place has fantastic food, great beer, and a warm interior. We sat by the fireplace; mesmerized by the flame we order a couple good size beers and the Schweinehaux. A pork leg dish I fell in love with during my travel around Europe with my travel loving father. R loved it so much, I had to suggest going to the best German restaurant in San Francisco. I had yet to visit Suppenkuche on my own, but had heard rave reviews about it. He scolded himself for not trying German food sooner being part German himself. We would one day both wine and dine in Suppenkuche.

Whilst H was away, I returned to his apartment to camp once again after our mini vacation. We were invited to a birthday party as friends and colleagues of another individual we knew well to a dance club. Many of our other colleagues were there mingling as well. R was their superior, so he purchased a round of shots as a gift to the birthday boy. My best friend, R, and I went on the dance floor hopping and flailing around seemingly as friends. Towards the end of the night, we had to figure out how to get back to his apartment together. We ended up being the last ones to leave other than my best friend and one other colleague. They decided to take a rideshare together and so did we. My best friend did not know at that moment that we had already been intimate and she wouldn’t find out until a year later.

The next day my best friend did ask if anything had happened and our colleague was pondering the same. I said, “no.” She on the other hand admitted that she had returned to our colleagues home and were intimate, but he was drunk and couldn’t perform adequately. After all, if they could hook up so could we. I wish I could have told her, but I didn’t know what she would think.

R and I had work the next day, but he was expected at an earlier time. He had more to drink and needed more time to rest, so I took his place as he came at a later time. The entire 1 year we were intimate in the company together, no one suspected we would ever be dating. The married manager and the calm store mom could not possibly be capable.

Lust or Love Part 2

“Flirting is a woman’s trade, one must keep in practice.” 

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Gone to yet another trip to Hawaii without the hardworking husband. She doesn’t know the stress that comes from career life. Granted, being a mother has its on stresses. In the lack of understand of one another, the lack of appreciation becomes insurmountable. My own mother worked throughout my childhood and was the best mother she could be considering her troubling situations with my father. I respect the working woman above the housewife as all 6 of my parents sisters never held a job in their life. My mother sacrificed her future for her families future by committing herself to an arranged marriage at the age of 14 in order for her family to someday gain entry to the United States. My father’s family had gained citizenship in the United States by a lottery system they had in the 1970s. She was married by the age of 19 and once she arrived to the United States, she petitioned for her family to immigrate. She worked so hard, while her sisters just relaxed their entire lives. I’ve gained the worker gene from both my parents, at one point I worked 3 jobs because I like to keep busy as I learn and grow.

Enough about my family history. Let me continue my story.

As H was once again gone, a couple weeks this time around. I asked R if I could camp at his place. He jumped at the opportunity of spending time with me. I wanted to impress him, so I purchased some lingerie to show off to him. I packed up some clothes to last for the two weeks I would be spending at his apartment. He picked me up from my parents house and we proceeded to drive to his Apartment. When we arrived to his apartment, he gave me a little tour. I was surprised to find that there were two bedrooms with beds in each of them. Apparently, one was declared Daddy’s room. H slept with her 3 year old son in the bed they used to share, but since their son was born all she wanted to do was sleep next to her son. He slept in the smaller room with the smaller bed on his own every night. In my research, I have found that the lack of intimacy in these situations result in a lack of affection in partnerships. Children should have their own room and crib/bed, so couples can have some time for themselves.

We ended up on the larger bed in the larger room. He kissed me and I kissed him. Then, the door opened and a kitty walked in. Ebi, the cat is really talented in opening doors even when it is completely shut. We eventually ignored the kitty. After some foreplay, he asks me if I was sure I wanted to take it further. I said, “yes, I’m sure.” He took off his pants and as did I. As you can imagine, at this point we were ready to do the deed. R whispers, “You make me feel like a virgin, as if this were my first time. You make me feel young again.” Thinking about it now, obviously since it was our first time of course it would feel that way. Seeing that he was in a relationship with the same person for the past 8 years, feeling young again would make sense. He is very vocal in bed, which I quite like as I am just a moaner. This first time around wasn’t exactly enjoyable as he was a bit too excited and moving too fast. I laugh at this moment as I think on it and he doesn’t remember the details of out first time when I brought it up one day as I was reminiscing.

The second and third time around I remember to be absolutely mind blowing as I have never orgasmed during intercourse before. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t just from intercourse. He fingered me, while being inside me from behind. I’ve only ever been with three men and he is the best man I’ve been to bed with. The next time, he walked me to the closet while keeping it inside. We finished the deed in the darkness of the closet. When we were in the closet, he wanted me to say something to him. I ended up saying, “I love your dick.” I didn’t know what to say really, since I am quite introverted.

The next time we touched flesh in the closet. I confessed that I loved him. He responded, “Are you sure you don’t mean that you love my dick?” I was a bit hurt by the comment, but understandably I did say that previously. We had a conversation about what type of people we are and how we are the type of people who take relationships seriously. I wouldn’t just sleep with anyone and neither would he.

Even with the conclusion of being serious people who do not have intercourse on just a whim. We questioned whether it was lust or love. Perhaps he questioned it more than I did. R was concerned if I really did love him. He asked, ” are you sure the love of your life isn’t your current boyfriend? What if you regret losing him?” R is a man full of worry and fear. An introvert and yet an extrovert in the professional world. A person with low self-esteem that hides it well.

I didn’t expect much from pursuing relations with him, but I was ever hopeful for what the future had in store. I always considered the first year in a relationship as a test year to see if it were to work out. If it was meant to be, we would carry our love for many years to come. That it wasn’t lust, but true love.

A song from a lover

Character Analysis

-There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.

C. JoyBell C.

The wife named “H” can not sit still for she is a wanderer at heart. She is 5’8” and a Japanese immigrant who must return to her home country once or twice a year for the Japanese are proud of their country and love it dearly. She has taken multiple trips to Hawaii without her husband for he is always too busy at work trying to shape his career. She would like to take a trip to a monastery to practice meditation one summer and one day move to Bali at her husbands expense, but for now she is content moving from apartment to apartment every year.

Family of Sprouting coffee Trees

She has a sister and a half brother from her mothers previous relationship before her father. Her parents have lived apart for many years now. Her mother’s father dabbled in the business of real estate, so H always brags that she is a millionaire. Truly, she is not one herself as her mother’s sister is the one who handled the business after her grandfathers passing. H receives an allowance of $30,000 a year to help in her livelihood in America. She had her husband with a Graphic Design degree fabricate a graduation degree from the Art University they attended to falsely prove she had graduated the university they invested $100,000 in. She’s only ever had two jobs in her life. A job selling language programs, which is where she actually met her husband and as a waitress in a Japanese restaurant for a mere two shifts because the owner was too perverted. Her English is poor and remains poor. Her husband learned Japanese to communicate with her, but he’s not absolutely fluent so there is much miscommunication. She is a full time mom, which I admit is a difficult job.

From my experience, Japanese people are so proud of their own country so much that it is difficult to assimilate into American culture. I dated a Hapa once( half Japanese and half Caucasian) and had two Hapa friends. All their mothers were Japanese and their father Caucasian. They all ended in divorce and their mothers abandoning them to live in Japan. This is just from my observation and I mean no offense.

I am 5’6” and an American born Chinese to parents born in Myanmar formerly know as Burma. A former militant country until the year 2012 when it became a democracy with the help of Aung Sang Suu Kyi. My father’s father was born in Malaysia and his parents before him were born in China. My family fully assimilated to American culture by taking the time to learn English and returning to their home country on a rare occasion. My father returned just last year after 42 long years.

My parents divorced when I was at the age of seven after constant fighting caused by his gambling addiction, drinking, and multiple infidelities. My mother gave me to my dad because he earned more income and she thought he’d take better care of me. My father was a terrible husband, but an adequate father. She returned to Burma for 6 to 7 months and moved in and out of the house throughout my childhood years to remain close to me. My mother developed paranoia and Schizophrenia. I blame my father and her social anxiety. Paranoia and Schizophrenia can be brought on by being secluded for a long period of time. She was a complete homebody who rarely ever talked to other people.

My best friend “J” at 4’11” is a Chinese Immigrant who has worked hard to improve her English and make a living for herself and her family. I admire her and her families efforts to make a life in America by constantly working and continually practicing the English language. I don’t understand how some Americans make fun of people who don’t speak clear English. Those people can speak more than one language, which is more than some Americans. I can understand Burmese, Mandarin, and Cantonese, however, I can not speak any of these languages fluently. I can speak enough Mandarin to get by in my travels in China.

The Husband “R” is 5’11” and is part African American, Mexican, and Caucasian. His father only visited him twice a year since the time he was born. His father’s father was never in either of their lives. R’s mother had to pay for all of his private school education and take out a second mortgage on her house to pay for his college. His father is a traveling ER Doctor that currently makes $400,000 a year, but he apparently has no savings. Even if his son asked for help, he would have to ask his wife of whom he married when his son was 15 years of age. His father chose to raise another woman’s children instead of his own son. R never asked his mother why they divorced. I suppose it is better left unsaid.

Our families seem broken, but wounds can heal. Family is what we make them to be, but there is that dream of having a normal happy family. A fear that we will just repeat our family history.

Lust or Love Part 1

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” 

― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

After we had that first dinner to repay him for his kindness, we texted non-stop. Discussions about music, travel, and issues in our current relationship filled our conversations. He would send me new songs he began listening to and I would add them to my playlist eager to listen to them. We were able to make each other laugh with just words in written form. As time went on, we got to know each other like we never did before as just colleagues.

Our first hang out alone took place after the family bonfire at the beach. My best friend wasn’t able to make it, but I decided to ask him if he would like to hang out with just me. He responded, “Yes! I would like that. I mean, yeah, sure. ” Excitement followed by a shrug, which was funny and yet curious at the time.

We went out for dim sum in a big banquet room where the dim sum carts roll around the room and you pick and choose as you eye the dumplings from afar. Afterwards, he suggested we go to a particular part of the beach that had a beautiful view of the ocean on a sandy cliff side. It was a beautiful day at the beach, but I felt a bit awkward with us alone at a secluded cove.

He asked, “Do you have something you would like to share?” I fidgeted around since I knew that he knew that something was amiss. I finally let out, “I have a crush on you..” He tells me to come closer and to sit next to him. I hesitate, but eventually slowly make my way towards him. He puts his arms around me and proceeds to hug me with multiple squeezes as he doesn’t dare to do much more than that. He tells me, “I think we are two lonely individuals in the relationships we are in.” I was speechless and just continued to feel his embrace.

When I returned home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the moment we had and kept contemplating what I should do. What should I say? I apologize ahead of time, if this gets too graphic. I’ve always fixated on oral gratification in the mere three relationships I’ve had. I texted, “Want a blowjob?” He responds with a siren emoji and proceeds to ask, ” Are you sure? Where?” I inform him that he could pick me up at 4am the next day before we start work together at 6:30am. We could park next to the beach and do the deed in the back seat of the car. He was a bit shocked at the idea as he had never done such a thing in a car before, but agreed.

I did not know what I was thinking as I was in an 8 year relationship and he was a married man with a son and another on the way. My other colleagues would tell me how lonely he was, how he did not have any friends, and how terrible his marriage was to his wife. That she was a “bitch.” At the time I figured we were both in long term relationships that didn’t seem to be working out, but we were stuck. I was also in disbelief that my crush, a married man, would even reciprocate my feelings. Truly, what I wanted was to be close to him. I wanted him to have a friend because I knew what it was like to be lonely.

He picked me up before the break of dawn and proceeded to park next to the beach. We got into the back seat of his car and gave each other a hug. We had our first kiss. He once again asks, “Are you sure? You don’t have to go through with it” I told him, ” I want to.” He tells me, “Here, let me help you.” He proceeds to take off his belt and unbutton his pants. When it ended, I swallowed. He asks, “Are you okay? Where is it?” He feels around as he searches. I tell him, ” I swallowed, I don’t like messes.” He replies, “Sexy…”

We headed over to work. It was difficult to work around each other after something like that, but we pulled through. On days the air conditioner broke and the temperatures were excruciatingly hot, he would tell me to stay away from him since he had impure thoughts when I was around and the heat didn’t help. We met up again before work before the break of dawn and proceeded to repeat what we did the last time we met at the break of dawn.

This time he couldn’t finish, so I teased him about having intercourse. He told me, “If we start, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.” We put it to a halt and went to work, don’t want to be late. It was even more difficult to concentrate at work this time around. I just couldn’t stop thinking about what happened in the morning. The next time we meet, we take the leap and question whether it is “lust or love.”

To be continued…

A song sent by a crush.

A Crush

-” Love is friendship set on fire.” – Jeremy Taylor

I’ve kept a big secret for the past 3 years and 7 months except for three individuals in my life who were trustworthy enough to let it all out. My sanity may have been lost if I didn’t have someone to confide in. Granted, I did put myself in this situation and I could just walk away. “It is easier said than done,” a common saying many people know and ring true in my life as well as many other lives in my experience.

Let’s start from the beginning in this complicated and unrealistic love story. My current boyfriend and I were former colleagues and we made the perfect team. He walked into my life in the year 2011 and was to be my new manager. He was the best manager I’ve cross paths with since I started working for the company. Four managers before him either quit or were fired within a year. He made me the mom of the store by giving me the responsibility of making sure everyone was properly trained. Everyone called me mama because I took care of them from the beginning and they knew I would always have their back. When we had an argument someone would say, “aww, mom and dad are fighting.” We would have disagreements, but always came to a mutual conclusion.

At the time of his arrival, I was already in a long term relationship of three years to someone I really did love and would love for many more years. This relationship was complicated in its own way as well, but that’s a story for another time. My former manager and colleague was newly married. I felt nothing for him until my last relationship became too psychologically damaging to be in anymore. I wasn’t getting anywhere in life and felt trapped by someone who couldn’t do anything for himself.

I decided to take control of my life by returning to school and finally getting a degree. I took four online courses, took on a second job, and a side cleaning job whenever I had extra time in between everything else. I couldn’t bring myself to break up with my now ex, but I tried to spend as little time with him as I could. During this time, I discovered my feelings growing towards my former manager. I admired his work ethic, passion for the company, and care for his employees.

The second job did not live up to my expectations of what I wanted in a new career so I quit. I returned to working full time in the company with my former manager and agreed to take on the role of supervisor.

One day, we hired someone I would now call my best friend. I helped her in every way I could because as a child growing up I felt this lack of sincerity from those around me. I have always drifted towards other lonely individuals who had few friends for I grew up as an only child with divorced parents since the age of 7.

Our store needed staffing during Labor Day 2015. My best friend was willing to work, but had no way to get to work at such an early time and since my former managers wife and son were out of the country visiting family he volunteered to pick her up from home and drive her to work. He was lonely with them gone and had no other friends. He had lost touch with many of his childhood and college friends after his marriage. In order to repay him for his kindness, we wanted to treat him out to dinner. I remember the cute smile he had, when I confirmed when and where we were to have dinner with my best friend.

We went out to dinner and had great conversations and great laughs. We planned our next hang out as friends. We went hiking and once again planned another hang out to have a bonfire at the beach since he never experienced a bonfire before. By now, my best friend had discovered I had a crush on him. She told me to take off the tank top I had on under my lace top. I am quite reserved in public, so this was very unusual for me to do. All three of us laid down on a blanket next to the fire. At one point, he and I simultaneously rolled towards each other where our faces almost touched and it stopped there.

We planned another hike for when his son was back in the country. His three year old son kept trying to run off the cliffside and climb rock sides. When he slipped, I was there to catch him. I love to climb as well. The next bonfire at the beach we planned was to include my now ex and his wife and son. My ex never showed up, but fortunately I had my best friend to keep me company. We had a great time running around the beach as his son got soaked in the ocean. His wife’s birthday was later that week, so I decided to buy her some Ray Ban’s as a present since I noticed she had some unbranded sunglasses on at the beach. My goal was to make friends with him and his family because everyone deserves to have a good friend.

Until next time…